2015, 17 of february

It has been a year i wrote a post, i am writing this one, not because nothing change in my life, in fact i am starting to think, doesnt matter how nice you are, how well you treat others, life will keep its path and you getting nothing....

today i was supposed to be in the place where everything started, but i am not, not because i didnt want to go, not because i have love in life, not because i forgot what i promise....

sometimes life change your plans, you can try to fight back, and i tried, but this time it was not possible, i have to work, like almost all of us i need to work, and today in the afternoon, i have to go and speak in a conference, i try to change the date, i try that some of my colleague went in my place instead, but i didnt find no one....i couldnt find a replacement...for the others i am not being nice, why i am being so difficult? why i dont want to go and do my job and speak in this conference...hey...its in 5 star hotel, free food...like i care for those things....but in the end, there is no one else, i had to go and speak...so i am going to a conference...and talk...considering that i live in a different country, its no possible to talk, take plane and be there today, i will be there in my spirit, i will be there next year...

this blog was about Anna? one year after my last post...do I see her? did we become more "close"?, no, she even speak to me like friends?, no, i see her and her child, sometimes...when i see then walking, when we cross our paths in the street, in park, this may have been less then 5 times last year....we dont have any connections any more, we dont go for coffees, we talk a few times, a bit, that's it...i didnt wanted this, but this is what i have, and even today i always feel strange when i see her, i dont know how to deal with her....she will always will be special to me.....and i am never happy with this situation...i would have prefer other ways...but life goes one...i wish life was different but its not...

i meet some one...it was almost two years ago, we are friends, i trully like her, when i meet her...from the first moment i trully like her...she help me recover, she was a ray of light in my life, she show me that i could feel again....to today, she is my inspiration, i told her how i felt...i was shoot down...we become friends....good friends...i didnt try anything....but with time..with me seeing her, talking to her...i found this amazing person..its so much more them her beauty, its so much more them her way to dance, her laugh....she is a person who will light any dark room, just by being there....i found this person who brings the best in me, who inspire me to do better things, when i am with her i feel so good, i love her smile...i love her tenacity in live, i admire her fighting spirit....even if i know its a lost case, i fall for her...have true feelings for her,  i think i  could make her so happy....i try to  show her...there are still good men, i try to do all the right things...i try to prove it every day, i try to show her not with words but with actions that she can always can count with me...if i had a chance i would do all the things she deserves, i would do all the things i say here, i would make sure every day she feels loved, she feels special,

but nothing happen.....the lesson i took from life is you need to try to be honest to you, you must take risks, happiness will not come nock at your door...if you dont take risk nothing will happen!!! will you get hurt' very much a possibility...will you suffer?? almost sure...so why do it? because love is the best thing you can have, what can be better them share your life side by side of someone you love??

maybe i am not young enough, not handsome enough, not fit enough,,,.maybe i am not the best dancer...maybe there is others guys who are better them me...i dont know...

i only know that i am honest with me, even if i know that i will lose..i still here..being happy taking  a risks..

we all think during hard times, i will never love again...i will be in a dark place for the rest of my life, maybe some one will come an amazing person, hope will raise again in your heart...

life is not about what we say....we may say nice things, but you show what you mean with actions, its actions that change things, prove a point...words...like leaves in a windy day....just blown away....if all have decisions, options....when you take a option, when you make a choice, you must take it...this choice makes you show to others how much you care or not...you can say many things, but when you take a option, a action..this is the real you...the rest...its just make believe...

i learn and i do what i say in here....i promise and i do, there is no doubts, no excuses, i do, i did it for Anna and i did and will do it for any other girl....but like i learn....there is a point that you have to let it go...you cannot carry on...like i say in the cinema paradiso post...i will try, i will try until there is no more hope...only them i will thing...maybe its time to carry on my path alone....


so i keep my fight with life, i keep walking my path, but i start to believe, my path will lead to many things..but i start to wonder if there is a happy end, maybe there is a sort of different happy end...maybe there is end...maybe this is not what i wanted...for sure its not what i wanted...but i have only two options....stop and "cry" my fate, or keep walking, and the more you walk, the less you feel, the less the look back, the less you look for scenery, you keep your eyes on the road...you keep moving forward...to where? i dont know...and every day i know it less...

i need to go to the conference.....life like to show you that you have no control, that you can do what ever you want, you can be the best person in this planet, you can do all the right things...it doesnt matter...you are not going to get any break....this is how feel today...

like is a long journey, we should not stop because the past is bad...because we were hurt...we need to believe, we need to have hope....we need to conquer the pain of our past, with the hope of our future!! keep fighting....keep being honest...and keep looking for that person who will make you the must happy person in this world...i just have found her...i hope she can "find" me also....

i dont let the past block my future, i am in a path which i dont know where it will lead, there is no sure happy end, in fact all the indication point toward another failure, but i learn one thing, if you love, if you care for some one, then you should fight, you should not give up, find a person you care is the most precious thing in this life, so fight for it, even if you think you will lose, even if you are afraid...even if you think you will suffer....live, be a warrior, be a man, be honest with yourself, what can more important that fight for the one you love? i cannot think of anything even remotely as important...so this is my path today, fighting for love....every day, with all my courage, with all my heart..where it will lead? i dont know, but this doesnt stop me for trying!

17 february 2014

today is 17 of February, i am a man of word, i say i would be in the place where everything started, and today i was there, its not a simple thing, i dont live in this country anymore, i had to take a plane, its a 2 hours and half flight, i need to ask a day off from work, to keep my world, i need to be committed, you need to do some effort, but i am a man of my word, you shouldnt say i will do....unless you are really doing to do it! this is a special day, its special for so many reasons, its day that i need to celebrate, its a mark in my life in my struggle, its a prove to me and others, we are not all empty promises!!

and yes, i am writing a new post, why? i dont know, maybe because of the most simple reason, i need to write it, maybe to say to people, to show, there is people out there who live by what they say, and i place two photos, one of the place, and one of me, i dont know if i will let them stay here, for now i there are, so people see, yes, i am real, the place exist, this is the view, yes, it was a grey day, yes, there was rain, but i kept my word, this is important to me, to keep my word, i have a few things that i kept, my word, my determination to help others, and my tolerance...

one year have passed since the last time i was here but i am better, i am walking my path, i did consider if i should come, to keep my word, and i decide to come, and i get a day very close to last year in terms of time, but very different in terms of state of mind...

i did come a long way, today while i was seated, i see the people coming in, the couples, young, old, in holidays, just for a short break, just a nice walk in the afternoon, people who share a purpose, a life, a destiny...you learn to see others, you can see beyond the obvious, you can see the people who share, who are in love, who truly care, and the ones who dont even look at each other...you sometimes almost want to scream, you stupid person, dont you see what you are doing??? you are losing your love...

i keep asking myself, did i fight to the end? could i have done more? was there anything else i should have tried? and i know the answer is that i did everything, this is the logic answer, in my mind, there will be always some doubt, there will always be same questions, but know i fought beyond the limit, i  fought when even after i should have quit, but i didnt, i did everything i could, maybe too late, maybe i should have done earlier, now its to easy to judge, but i did everything i could do...and that gives me peace of mind, that i left no worries or doubts in my life...

love? i do have some one special, i like some one, i trully do, but have the feeling i have the fighting its a another lost battle, but i decide to face the pain, to take risks, yes, maybe its better not to go out, to defend yourself from pain, but this means who will never found true love, you will be afraid to figth for your love, yes, love is a risk, a gamble, but you shouldnt be afraid, you should fight for the things you feel!!

i am doing this right now, i know i maybe will lose, that i face pain, that i face another walk in hell, but i am alive, i am living, i am trully alive!!!

i seat today in there, see the river, i remember all the things that happen since 2006 in this place, and i smile, i have no bitterness in my heart, i learn to be a much better person, i remember that i was here for a concert, i remember that i was annoyed because i didnt like the singer, i decide before i even left home that that night was not going to be good, and i remember it today, and it was not good, it was amazing, and i didnt even realize it, i learn to be more tolerant, to see the beauty in the little details, to share a moment, to see the effort of the other part, i am such a different person from that guy who start a new life in 2006, i may look the same, maybe older, but i am new person, a trully much better person!! Anna made me such a better person, and i will never forget that Anna is the main force in this change...

we are not in touch, she lifes her life, i dont know anything about her, we live and work in the same city, but that is it, like milions of other persons, but she touch me....she made me a a much better human....

i am a person who is now helping others, who is fighting to find love, to have another chance in life from a person who every day i like more, for a person that every day suprises me with her force and courage, with her will to life, with her happiness, with her smile, and yes...maybe she will never will share her life with me, but i am taking my changes!!

this is what this day means, its not a end, a start, it just a mark, a indication, that we must believe in a better day, in a future, and not to be afraid to fight for it, to believe in it!!! we all deserve to love!!! so go and fight for your love!!

until one day...

this is my last post, yes, you can never say never, but i dont know after this one if there will be another one, all i wrote will be here, i could close this blog and hide it all, block this blog, but no, this is a phase of my life, a walk in life, a path into hell and back, so i leave it here, so if one day some person will come across it, and its facing a path like mine, he or she can know, that you are not alone, there is other persons who suffer like you, there is more people like you, and yes, you will be able to live again, yes, this maybe look impossible now...you may think...my life is over...my life doesnt make sense....it will be better, i can tell you...trust me...if you dont believe...read all this blog, post by post, from the start...but also see the time...two years...and this is just a tip of the iceberg...

i am dont say its easy, its not easy, what i went by in this years is far far from easy...i walk in hell....i can understand that in many moments you cannot see how you will survive...that there will be a better day, i know that darkness in your mind and heart will blind you, i know, i have been there...but there will be new days, i dont say better days....just new days...day where you will find things to do, smile, be happy...love? this is a question that which one of us will have a different answer....you need to find yours...

i start this blog because after i become adrift, i need it to help myself, to say things and express my inner feelings.....I lived with a single mother,I loved a single mother, when i was lost i try to look for advice, and i can only find crap...the advice given thinks we are all the same...but we are not the same, we dont love all the same way, with the same intensity, so i decide to write what i was feeling, sometimes every day...to show others, to try to avoid others to pass the journey in hell i did...

yes, i start write about Anna, like i say in last post, she is no longer a single mother, she move on, she kick me out of her life, totally, i dont feel that love for her...yes, there is so many questions for each i dont have an answer, even today, i dont understand the way she deals with me, i dont understand so much how we broke up...maybe i will never understand, but with time you start to be able to move on, even without an answer....

time, its so easy to say time heals, it does, but there is no fast forward in life, every day is hell, and you need to let time work, its a very slow process, it a painfull way, for me, its been years, and i am still on my path, but time do make things better, but time is slow, its like when you a nasty cut, you know that it will heal, but now the pain is there, the blood is out, you need to get it stopped....the problem in real life there is no band aid....there is only hanging and resisting, in living every day...its not an easy process...

now? now life goes on....and i wouldnt be right for me to talk about me, just for me, this is not i created this blog, or talk about new girls....no...this blog was about me and Anna, and if there is nothing more to say...them its better to say....until one day...

what happen in this last 10 years, a long journey, of growing up, of changing, of pain, crying, loving, laughing, smiling, fighting, losing, pain, lots of pain, suffering.....you may ask would i be better without having Anna entering my life??? no, i wouldnt be better, even now i dont regret nothing, i change, a lot, i move my life, i see life with a very different eyes now, i am changed for ever by this experience, some people blame the past, they feel the hearts with hate, with revenge...no....its not the right way....keep on living...keep fighting....

i told so many times i would love Anna forever...and now i dont feel that love...you can love with desperation, i did it, but after you start to see the reality, you loved, you love her more them you love yourself, i would have trade my life for her, for her child, i promise God to die for her unborn child, this is how much i loved, i keep looking back, i keep looking for a door that was closed...in fact the door didnt existed any more....and with time you realise...there is no way back, you could wish, you can pray, you liked a different outcome....but your realise....nothing is going to happen, for her the love is over...them you start walking, you start your true journey....i walk away, i stop looking back, i stop wishing, i start to see reality with different eyes...life is different...there is no love...

what will be my life??? i dont know...still today i am taking risks, i still hope for love, i still believe in love, i dont care if i am getting more pain, but i learn...i learn so much....if i could turn back time, to 2003 i would do it...but its not possible, so i have a life in front of me...

i learn so much, if you come across this blog, if your life puts you on the path of some who as kids, dont be afraid...kids are just like any person, they need attention, love, dedication, not a drill sergeant, thheir lives shouldnt be a army recruit....you need to listen, you need to understand what is your role, what you should do, discuss the matter with a open heart with your partner....dont be afraid, there is nothing better them a little kid come to you and hug you, and ask you to play with them, to see them grow....dont be afraid....embrace that love, and all the "advice" you get....about loving some one with kids....just say...go to hell...and follow your love!!!

dont be afraid to talk, to open your heart, i fail to do this, i didnt saw, i didint listen, i learn my lesson, if i have another chance in life, i will be there for us, that there is not a me and you agenda...there is a us agenda....there is a union, a family, i would work for love....

i learn to be better, to not be selfish, not to think my time is more important them of other people, i learn to share, that we should do things together...that live is not a easy journey....

no...love is rare...love is precious...this is not sex...sex you can get a lot, but its a very different thing...you want just sex??? one day you will be old...and you will ask..wwwooww....i let the best things of my life go...you lost the most important persons...i did....i lost them....now there are truly lost...but i still embrace my past...there is no hate....there is no recriminations....

i will live like i say here, i will be there, i will be there for others, if one day love touch me again, i will make an effort every day to make my love one feel she is special, that i care...never take things for granted...never think she will love me forever...I have to make it happen, make every day a special day, make every day a day that she will remember....i will leave little notes, i will send sms, i will call, i will make a surprise dinner, unexpected weekend trip, i will make little gifts, i will pay attention, i will listen, i will make my priority that my love is happy!!!! and she will know how much i love her!!

i am closing down this blog...after this post...i dont think there will be more...i will check it...i will be here...if but if you have doubts...if you want inspiration...come here and reread the post, love is a eternal thing, what i say in here doesnt fade away with time...

i will carry one my path...i carry on my walking.....i will be in that place on every 17 of february from 15.30 to 16.30, rain or shine...maybe one day i will tell where that place is...if i am alive i will be there...not waiting for nothing, but to remind me every time that love is a cause worth fighting for, dying for even killing for....love is the most import thing in life...

when you have someone in your life, when  have any chance of love, do the right thing, dont give excuses...dont say, i am to busy, i am tired, dont follow the wrong things, cars? houses? money??? that is nothing...dont trade your love for that, dont give up never, if you love some one, never stop fighting, never quit, even after everything looks lost, fight to the end, dont listen to others, listen to your heart, love is the only thing worth fighting for, dont trade love for things....if you do, you are a foal, if you do it, maybe you never loved, you dont even understand love...if you love, you know what i mean...money? status? jobs? cars? dont worth a kiss, a hug, a smile, i would trade all i have to the smile of the women who love me....

i have a paper in the office, its just in front of me, it says:

when love ends, its not about getting over having loved her
its not about forgetting her.
its about getting use to love her
without having her in your life

it took me a while to learn this, to be able to do that, its a different sort of "love", its about keeping some one who was for a moment of your life everything to you, in a special part of your mind, a good part...

so, if you have a problem with the person you love, dont start making films in your head, dont have doubts, go and tell the one you love, fight for your love, fight to solve the problems, never quit, there is nothing more important them love, it makes you a better a person, makes you smile, makes you perfect, makes every day a joy, a moment in heaven....

if you read this blog and ask, who is this guy...maybe one day you can come across me, in the bus, on a metro, on the way home, as you enter a cinema, running in a park, in a plane, in a airport, in a conference, in the street, maybe its me...maybe its some one else...that is not important, what is important is you think...that guy, he stop at nothing for his love...do the same yourself...fight for your love...live without any "if" or "but"...fight to end....and in the end if you lose....if your love is lost....dont regret it, embrace it...them stand up...rise....and start all over again!!! never stopping loving....

live is a strange path...

i am not writing as much as i did before, there was a time i would write every day, where my life was in turn oil, that i was like on a frying pan, i was "junkie" of Anna, i was totaly lost in love, i had so much love in my heart, i love with a desperation, with no hope, with a total sense of lost, but i loved, i had a plan, i had hope, i had a purpose...

now, all of that is over, love is gone, hope is totally lost, my story with Anna, is over, i dont need to tell every again, there is plenty of post in here to say that, to express my journey....

i am in my country, i am here for holidays, i was here to clear my professional situation, to see how my connection to this person i meet in one of obstacle run, i was think we would meet, we would go out, go to the beach, have a dinner, share a laugh...go to run...i came full of plans...but nothing happened....

in the end i stay here for two weeks, and life open my eyes again, it open my eyes wide open, and not in the way i expected, for my work..i dont know if can continue to work in the place i do now, i like my work, i have nice life, i learn to separate my professional life and the things i feel in my heart, i have friends, but now i dont know....my contract runs out in dezember..and i still dont know if i should start packing my house, and return.....and the scary thing is time....two years...i feels like yesterday, i have such a clear memory of the first days, going to ikea, arriving with so much hope...and if i leave now....my professional life is going to be a bit affected, but this is not the most important part of my life....no this i can resist well....

is the fact that once more my path lead me to a hope that never come, i arrive in here for this two weeks to try to see what i meant for some one else, and i realize...not a lot, it seen that there is sort of "lives" a real one and virtual one...and i only fit the second one....sms, skype, FB, every day, its ok....i arrive in here....and nothing, one lunch and one coffee...we are friends...i but i start to feel more, i love to see her smile, i love to see her laugh, i feel so happy when she is happy....i keep trying to block this from my mind...i try to think....she is your friend...but its not easy...this is hard...

i had a lot of time to think, this is the benefit of being in holidays, you go to the beach, you run, you walk, you think, a lot, and i realize, i shouldnt have hope, it strange i did a stand up paddle board race and on the way back i was on the bus, the guy seated next to me, which was also returning, starting talking, he told me he had divorce from his wife...and he told me....you need to go and live, and be happy, and life will fix the rest....its like i was being told...not to worry...but i see the time passing and the only thing i get is stronger...and stronger....not better...not love...

its hard to believe in that, but he is right...i need to and live my live, and learn to be happy...i am thinking a lot about closing this blog.....it doesnt make sense...Anna is not a single mother, she is living with some, she as now a new child...and i dont love her any more....not in the way i use to...this new person looks like she just see me as friend....there is a lot of questions in my mind....

i have not found answers, i found that there is good days, and there is really shitty days, but this is something every one in this planet can say....i found that i am getting better in my mind, i am can life alone, i can be alone and everything is fine, in fact some of the best moments in my last weeks is me being alone, in some nice place...i can see the beauty in things....

i am not alone in what happen in my life, no, so many of us, endure the same, some find another person, some get destroyed by this events, me and other we persevere, we carry on, and move on with our lifes, even now, i am a so much better person that when i start this journey...i am human, i learn so much, and this is maybe the biggest lesson, even in the bad experiences, there is always a positive thing....

and even today, even after all, i am not afraid to love, i am not afraid of taking risks, i have scars, i have taste the bad taste of life but i am not afraid to try again, this is the strange message i get from that talk on the bus...doesnt matter what happen in the past, we have to be honest, if you have love in your heart, them dont be afraid to said it, to look for it, you may fail again, you may be hurt again, you may suffer a lot more again...but i tell you....feel nothing...like i feel now....this is not the answer...this is not good....we need to keep our path, and take the future like a empty book...the future is not the past...the past is there for us to learn....no to show us what will happen next!!!! be brave, lets go and keep walking!

biggest disappoiment is being treated like a stranger by the person who once said i will love you forever

there are things you never expect to write, and yet, here i am writing, and i am writing them...there is a bitter taste in my mouth, there is no happiness, there is no joy, there is no peace, not today, today there is disappointment, there is monster sadness, there is, like i say in another post, emptiness..i would trade years on my life to write a different thing, but....

but i have to be honest, this is the last thing left, honesty, respect, be true to myself....if you read my blog, you see my journey, you see how much it went in my life, and i learn one thing in this times, i have to be honest, i have to be clear, i have to be able to wake up in the morning and be able to look myself in the mirror, to respect myself, not to be a shadow of me, not to be a puppet of some one else...but until very recently i was still manipulate, i was still treat for granted by some one i would have die for.....

its a very hard thing to learn, when you are able to break the magic and look at you, look at the events, and you have a bitter feeling...i was used...manipulate...in a intentional way?? unconsciously??? i dont know...i only know that i was....the feeling is not a nice one...maybe this was not even intentional, but the actions talk for themselves....

what do you do???

to make things even "better" this other girl i meet, this person who i was thinking was a friend, a person i could be a lot more them, a person that bright my lasts months, simply move out of my life, i dont fit her agenda, i dont fit her lifestyle...maybe i am too old fashion, maybe i expect to much from people....maybe i am the problem, in a society where the only value is show off, money, me, my own agenda, i dont fit, people think we are where to serve them? to be disposable? that values are things we use when them are convenient??? that honor, respect are just strange concepts....i dont fit...maybe this is the key thing...i dont fit...i am the problem...but i cannot change this part...this is who i am...i rather die alone them become one of this persons...

and Anna, yes, I am not a part of Anna Life, i didnt see her for more them a year, i saw her totally by chance with her child last monday....i was in my bicycle, and i slow down, i pass by her i was going to stop, she was talking to some other women...she didnt even gave a proper look, she gave me the same look, the one she gave in the gym more them a year ago...the look you give some who is annoying, some one you dont trully like...like i was someone who was trying to sell her something, some one who was bad for her, i was so suprised....and say hi to her child, who look at me, look at her mother...and i could see in her face...she didnt know what to do...i trully dont like this....i dont like that her child thinks it will be in trouble, if talks to me...i was with a friend, he ask me almost joking...hey...you talk to people you dont know??? he didnt knew, i didnt say nothing...it left me asking myself all day....why??? what i did????

there was a moment i expect Anna to say hi!! what happen to you??? how is life??? no...nothing, i know i am the past, but it was like that day i was told i am an EX....its like you are a discarded thing....maybe i am not even being fair, maybe this is not the way she feels...but i dont know how she feels, i dont know what is in her mind...i just see the actions, i just deal with the maked and cruel reality..... 

i keep posting Anna letters, i keep being her legal representative...i even send a letter when her new child was born, and i never expect that the reaction was....zero...nothing....i keep saying to myself...hey...Anna is not like that, she will say thank you....she will send a mail..or a sms...i keep saying..she is busy...i am sure tomorrow she will reply....and yet the days pass, by, the weeks...the months, a new letter would arrive and i go and put the letter in her mail box, i always put a little note, a card...and nothing....

if it was just doing...but...i need to ask my family to send me the letter...its a different country, i need to get it, hear my family complaining about they had to go to the post office, to send the letter, that this cost money, and i keep being harsh to them, i keep defend Anna, and i keep them driving to her place, put the letter on her mailbox and move away....i dont expect fireworks....no, i expect just like a friend you do.....thank you, is that to much to ask???

respect??? being just polite?? is this to much to ask?? i share her life for hers....

I never had anything againts Anna, i never angry, bitter, I never hate, i didnt burn her things, i always embrace my past with Anna, I always there for her, I always try help in what I could, even now, even after stop sharing a path in live, we don’t see each other, Anna have a new family, she  have a new journey in life and I have mine, however we share a past,i did consider that we were some how friends....at least cordial to each other, i always think after she was in her new path she at least you smile and talk to me...

I doing  things for Anna because I was thinking that we are something more them strangers, but I believe that actions talk a lot louder them words, when i love her i would do anything for her, i dont ask way, you simply do it...when lose is start to see someone who doesn’t respect you, who treats you like its embarrassed or annoyed when they see you, you start asking yourself, why? what have i done? why?? i gave the best of me, i gave the best of me every day, i would trade my life for her unborn child and i am treated like an embaressement?????

I dont understand what Anna is afraid?? To say hi….to say thank you…words…is she thinking this is giving me hope??? come on!!! we are adults...

i never expect to reach this stage in my life, life is a long journey and sometimes the you are dead wrong…i keep defending Anna, every time some one said some bad thing, i would fight, i fought two guys in the gym because of her, she doesnt know, must people dont know, i would defend her...how many times i hear....she is bad for you, she is using you...and i keep saying nooooooo, she is good, she is a super person...now i am not so sure...now i think maybe i was wrong...

if i break with her what I will lose?? Nothing, I will not lose a friend, I will not lose some who cares, I lose nothing…Anna on the other will lose a lot, maybe now she doesn’t even realise what she is losing, but she is losing a friend,she is losing some one who was there for her...

i know that people can change, I did, I change a lot, for better, because of Anna, this blog show how much i have changed how much she help me in changing into a better person, i am really sad, i try to be a friend, i try soooo much....but this time i didnt fail...she did....this a sad day for me.....

this is a new entry in this post PS - i wrote the post above around 15.00....after i publish it, i went to gym, i run for two hours and i went to to do a sauna to relax...Anna was in the sauna...she said Hi, i was not expecting that, i was not expecting her to talk to me, she said Hi, i wave and smile...we didnt talk...i close my eyes, i try not to look, why??? because i dont know what do to....this is the must real true...i dont know, i dont know what to do...i think i do what she wanted me to do....give her space...give her no contact...its not easy, i wanted to ask so many things, like a friend would ask a person he cares and doesnt see for ages...i didnt...i was trying to see how she would react when she leaves the sauna, but when she left, she didnt even look back, not even a wave...i would like to understand one day...what have i done??? i left in the sauna asking....what i did??? there is not nice feeling in this, i dont feel good....life is so strange, i spend a year without see her...and now totally by chance i see her twice in 5 days....and in both times, the reaction is....i am a problem, a bad thing...and i if this makes Anna happy this is what i would do...i will give her the freedon of me..totaly...but this also breaks you spirit...the love is gone...and this is not a good news, its not a bad news....i am continuing my walk, i continue my path....now there is nothing to look back...

ps- this is a second ps....its now 14 of December, and like i say i am honest, i need to keep things right, i meet Anna, once more, by chance, we talk, we clear lots of things, i am happy, i am happy that i can talk to some one who was so importante in my life, for some i would have die for, i would kill for....we talk, she told me i am still her friend..i dont need to listen to more, i dont have any plan, i dont have wish, or hope, no!!! that is dead, that feeling is past...but i am happy we can see each other as persons, who share a very important moment in our lifes...

feeling empty

when you love some one, even when its a desperate love, when its a lost cause, you have a meaning, a reason a purpose, you have an objective, you want to show you best side, you are ready to do all for this person, there is nothing which will stop you, nothing....from the moment you open your eyes in the morning, to the time you fall a sleep, you have a focus, a drive, your love, this is what love does to you, you are special, you can do anything...

now, i lost this, i dont love, i dont have any person special, this has been a tough year, i saw my grandfather pass away, some one to whom i was very very close, i saw Anna having a child of some one else, them, like magic, i meet some one, it was like light enter a dark closed room, for a moment i it look like life was smiling at me, in fact it must have been smiling to some one behind me, and for a moment, i had hope, i had the joy the one you feel when you starting falling for some....but it was not real, it was just a illusion...the reality, the truth is that i lost love, there is no new love, there is just a empty feeling...my heart is empty...

and in this cases you focus on work, on something....i cannot focus on work, i dont believe in what i do, i keep pushing this papers, i continue to drive legislation, but i dont believe in what i am doing, its getting to me...i am in this corridor...every one is in holidays....i am alone in there...its how i feel a bit right now...alone...i was always told , if you are correct, if you are nice, if you treat other well, if you show that you are good person, if you love, you love from your heart, if you have true love, you will be happy, life will smile back to you....but did live smile back to me???? i dont think so....

i meet a person...for a instant i was thinking for a moment, for an instant, i was thinking, i am special...but i am special for this other person? or i am just another guy in a huge list? i dont know, but i know one thing, we were both honest, there was no games, no "cheating", i treasure that, honesty, none of this games people play...i am not in here for one night stands, i am not looking to have a friend with "benefits", i want to share a life with some one, for real, totally!

i try to prove to this new person, to this girl, we are not all the same, how many times you listen to girls saying...all guys are assholes...man say all women are crazy.....i dont believe in this, each person is case, we are all different, i am different, i am not the asshole that must guys are today, i am, like other people out there trully nice, yes, there is still good men and women out there...we still exist...but i think people dont even believe we can be nice, that we can be honest, and must people today they give up at the first difficulty they find...she is going to bed with me? next....she doesnt want me?must people simply decide to give up, that is wrong...do you care? do you have feelings? then fight...be there..take as much time as you need...dont give...and on the other side...girls must stop believing that every one was a agenda, stop thinking if this guy is helping me, woowww...he must have an agenda, its just another guy who wants a quick jump on the bed....dont jugde a person for what he/she say, or promise, judge a person for their actions!!! judge for what  a person does for you....talk is easy....

and to make things even more hard....i had to face same demons now...i saw Anna and her child, they didnt saw me, her child is so big, so grown up....and i didnt know what to do..should i stop my car and talk to them??? i didnt do nothing, i keep on driving....

for this and another reason..last friday i had one of the must empty days in my life...i am not hurt, i am not lost, i am not in pain, i am still not in peace, this is not the right word, the right word is maybe empty, according to some zen people this is a good thing, i dont think so...i feel that i am just empty, i have no focus, i have not a real purpose, i am walking in life without a purpose, yes, i am much better them last year, i lead a normal life, i sleep, i eat, i am in really good shape, but this process of rebuild left me with a scars, this scar is now almost healed, but this scar have also remove the pain from me, but also sometimes think that remove my capacity for feel....

there is any message in here???? the only message in here, is even if your life doesnt make any sense, even if there is not purpose, no drive, nothing....you have to keep moving, you cannot stop...you cannot start feeling pitty for your self, this is to easy, this is for quitters, this for people who didnt trully love, did you trully love??? if you did, you must keep walking, you must keep moving, you may dont see anything, maybe you just see a road....empty...your road is a empty desert, the only thing you can see is desert and more desert, you can decide, this desert will never end , and quit...stop "die" inside and by doing this you quit on life, or you walk...you keep walking, you dont know why you are walking, you dont know why life is hitting you, but you must keep walking, you must be like a fighter, that is punched, that is bruised, you cannot longer see the opponent, that is covered in blood, and still raise, that refuse to stay down, the decide, if i am going to be beaten..it will be on my own two feet, i will be standing...cover in blood, hurting, but you refuse to go down, you rise, you keep rising...you dont know what is to quit, you never quits...this is me today....this is what we all should do...i am walking, why??? for what purpose??? for whom??? i have no idea, i only know i must keep walking, you have to find joy in life in every day, even if you have no reason, even if there is none -..you must keep moving...the desert will end one day....all deserts end.....the trick is never stop walking...never quit..i have one big hope, that i will find true love again, and for this i walk every day, for this i will never quit, i may find or not, but one thing i know is i will always look forwad to my path, smile, even when i have no reason to smile and move forward...so the message is....live is a war, a fight, a challenge, so we have to be strong, to survive, to fight another day, but we will never de defected!!

moving free?

i am reaching a point were i am free, trully free, i am suprised, but life is full of suprises, no, i dont have no one new in my life, i dont have a new girlfriend....but i am feeling free....it a bitter sweet feeling....

i reach a state of peace, i am reaching some sort of inner feeling....what happen??? a lot..and nothing...i keep doing my life, doing my sport events, my runs, my "mad" run events, and during this events i meet a group of people...from my old gym...back in my country, i found people who are happy with life, people who go out, who have problems, who have tough jobs, and yet are happy, and yet are there, supporting each other....i found a side of life that i almost have forgotten...

i meet this girl....we meet in a mud run event, we start by talkiing..we share lots of messages, i was stupid...i let hope enter my mind...if you descrive the perfect girl, she would be her!!! she would be perfect for me, we like the same things, she even like the star wars!!!!she is super fit, she is always laughing, she is so happy, we keep in touch, we talk a lot, online and in person...and i get a bit confused...its like you are walking in the desert for years...and you see an oasis, i start falling for her...but she is just friend....she told me that...she is just my friend....now i am not even sure...but life is like this...the problem is after being out of the "game" for so long, i cannot even read the signals...i was thinking she like me....she didnt....but she show me a new side of life...a life of laughing, a life were you can be happy every day....

and this make me realise...there is a life out there...there is a life that i was missing...i need and go look for this life...and also make me understand how far Anna already moved away from me...i dont count...i am off...and i am start to see a person who doesnt respect me....

i keep getting letter for Anna, from my country...i keep asking my family to send them here, i keep putting them in a envolope...driving to her place and put in the her mail box...i even wrote a polite and nice note...but i dont even get...thank you!! nothing...and its sad and not correct when people think you have an obligation to help them, to do things for them....when i was blind..i wouldnt even question this...but i am blind not more....

yes,i meet this person....i would like that things would have been different, i would have like to show her that life is a great journey...but i was not that person....but this...and started to be able to see things, not in a heart fill of love...with a normal heart...i start to see a side of a person i dont like...and this keep making me move away...i keep moving...and i am getting in a better shape, i get more closed, i am more at peace...but all of this have a cost...a big cost....

i am not a person who is happy...i may look happy....people may even think i dont have a care in the world...but no...i am getting cold...i am getting more away from a state where the sun shines...i am walking into winter even if its summer outside...i am becoming a person who pass by others and dont see them.....this is not good...

i had a dinner with some of my collegues last week...and i realise how shocking one sided they see me....how wrong they are about who i trully am....i let them think...they see just one side...i dont care...i dont care about others say...what they think...i maybe show less of "me"....i am not talking so much....i am much more quiet...some already spot the difference...one girl ask me if i was ok...i smile and said yes...its true??? parcial yes.....so i keep walking....i keep moving away....the time i am free, should i keep this blog? is it correct to keep this blog???? i will not close or delete anything...what i say in here is my life...its part of my life...it journey that i carried since 2011....a joureny that start with me totally in love with Anna, and will end with me walking away..is this the end???  is there a point having this bloog if i find some one??? if i break free???  i dont know....

i know my boss ask me if i want to stay two more years in here...i said yes...i come here because of Anna, that was the only honest reason, i could have returned to my country.....and i was thinking...how much hope i had when i come here...and now i am staying because of the last in my mind...because of the money...

life is a strange journey...but i keep being honest with me...with what i feel...and to hell to what other peoplo think...or say...i think this is what we should all do....we should live without fear...without any regrets, without any "if" or "but".....life with honesty!!!

Cinema Paradiso

Cinema Paradiso is one of my favorite films,it was one of the first things i put a "like" when i create my fb page, i am there, the real me, with all the other people who like this film, one of the things i remember is a moment were Alfredo is telling Toto about this story about this warrior  who promise to stay under the princess window for 100 nights, how he resist, the cold, the heat,the rain,the snow...and after 99 nights he left....i never understood, i keep asking myself....come on....just one more night...you would fulfill your promise....

today i understand....he understood, he saw time pass by, he saw the time move and he realize that he could stay there for ever and nothing would happen....and this set him free, he was free from his promise....he was not more happy, he was not glad, he realise that in the end, didnt matter how much we waitied, the result would always be same...he would be alone, he would never have her love...so he left...i can understand now...

i can understand because every day until now, i somehow was that warrior, i keep until under the "window", even if the window was close, even if that house was no longer Anna house, even when there was no longer a window, even if this was not even a conscience thing, with time you lose hope, this is not a conscience process, its just time working....and as you wait you think, you think a lot...and realise,that my 99 day is here, it doesnt change anything wait for one more day...or more 100 days...or  more 1000 days more....or forever...you realise...its over..you realise...life is unfair...that you lost....but you are free.....

is this better???? i dont know how to answer...you move to a different universe...you move to another planet...your heart is not happy, its not a happy place, its a place where love is gone...here you have now a empty spot...

i am free???? will how be so free that i can see Anna with her new child and person and dont feel nothing????? no...i am not even close....

but like i say in my last post...i keep walking....i keep moving away....and its not because you choose to do so....its because there is no other option....its because its the only thing that you have left to do....

if you had this love, you lost it....if you fight, if you keep your walking....you will walk to find peace of mind...you will be able to have a normal day....a normal life....i am that prove....i can tell you today, that is possible....i cannot tell you that this is a happy process, that its fast, or easy,or that the end result doesnt leave with you with deep scars...but you will reach a stage where you can have peace...

i am at peace....for the first time...since 2003...i am able to find some true peace in my mind....i am in state that i can have a relax mind...this is in a situation like now....i dont see Anna....she doesnt make a part of my life....like this i am at peace....yes...i still think about her...yes....i would haved prefer a different result...but a relantionship has two parts...i was just one....

so i am moving...i am moving to find happiness in the company of other people...i can go out and have a dinner with a girl and dont have this stupid feeling that i am cheating on Anna, i am not comparing this person with Anna all the time...no....now its just me and the other person...there is no one else at the table....have i cross the ocean??? have i reach the breaking point???

i have no answer for that...now i understand the warrior who left at 99 night...life moves....to a new future...to a new process...my 99 night moment will be here very soon...or is already here....

keep walking my path

its been a while since i wrote a post, until now i would write when i feel the need, this is a bit like a bit "therapy" for me, but after the last things that happen, the events of the last post, its been a empty inside...i had not the drive to write, i need to face some of my demons....i will maybe keep on writing, all of this posts are a part of my life, a part that maybe one day i can read, that maybe one day some one can read them and better understand me, why i am the person that i am today, what made me change, what are the reasons for the change, one person who knows me, and didnt saw me in a few years, we knew each other for more them 20 years, we did a few championships when we were younger, he ask me, hey, what happen to you?? this was not a critic, it was just a surprise, was the fact i am a different person....this is story of all this post, my journey...my path....

i am on my path, i am keep my walking toward oblivion's, keep waking to a mental state where there is nothing, people will say its a good thing, i cannot say how many times i hear....i was happy when i didnt think about her...i am tired to listen to....i am free from that love...why people say that? i am not happier to stop loving some one i trully care, some one that was the best thing in my lie...not happy at all...

yes..this makes your life more "easy", you can life with a more free "feeling"...you can do anything you want without have to think about another person, yes  you can do anything you want....but is this better? i dont think its better...in fact i think its rather worse, its a life without a bigger purpose, without a goal, without some one to share things, moments, joy....

i cannot say i know what is better for others...i think this is one of the biggest mistakes most people do...on all areas of life is thinking they can know what is better for others....how many times you were told...its better for you...you are much better this way...how do you know???? how other can guess what is better for you?

i start my path away from Anna almost a year ago...for a long time i keep looking back, i would stop my walk, i keep hopping for a miracle...now i know, there will be no miracle...there will be no happy end, there is no going back, now i just have this empty road in front of me, so now i keep with my walking, i dont look back any more, and every day i am bit more free, every day i am more distant from Anna...not better, not happier...more "easier"....maybe more empty...

love fill your soul, it makes you feel like you have a capacity to do anything, that you are the most happy person in the world when you see the person you love smile at you...just that a smile, a look, a touch, it feels your heart with joy...when you lose your love, you are back in a day to day grey life...were things are just normal...nothing is special...nothing is amazing...just normal...some people find this reasuring, better, more "safe".....i am not that person....i would rather prefer to love....

its strange that you are walking away of some one who made me a much better person, who teach some much about life, about relationships, who change me in ways i cannot even understand, in fact Anna will never see the change in me...she will never see how much i change, maybe one day i can tell her all of this...maybe one day she can understand how much i love her....but i am not waiting for that day, i am not looking for that path, i try, more them two years, and it lead to no where...i  did my best...and failed...so now i keep walking away...

sometimes, people who live situations like mine, get cynical, bitter, they stop loving, they start using people, they play with emotions...the reason is, hey i was hurt, so its fair game, i dont care, its like they have the right to hurt others, as long you get what you want, everything is fine... others get depressed, or starting hating the person they use to love...they stop living, they start hating every one....no...that is not the way, learn to live with your lost, learn to be brave...

i keep taking a day by day, i keep let time work, i keep saying all the best about Anna, this weekend, while i was out with some friends, we were talking about people in our past, and say Anna was the best thing in my life, how she use to smile, how she use to call me sweetheart...and they all were staring at me...i stop...they ask me...why you keep saying good things about her??? she left you!!! yes, she decide to break with me, but that doesnt change the time or things that happen between us, i only have good things to say about her...i will never allow no one to say anything bad about Anna, i had a few fights in my own family when people try to say anything not good about her....we broke up not because she was not a good person, we broke up because we both made mistakes...she is today an amazing person and yet i am still walking away, one thing doesnt change the other...

Every day i keep walking away, i have still have a huge road to go, i still not over Anna, yes everyday i have less love in my heart, there will be a day, a time, which i may lose my love for Anna, maybe a different love, maybe even not think about her...but that day is not today...or tomorrow, or next year...i still have a long long road in front of me...and i am not looking for that day, that day that i am "free", that day is not my goal...my goal is to keep walking, to move my mind, to keep my smile, my laughter, my happiness with me, that is my goal...my goal is to live every day, is try to bring joy in every moment of my existence....

i am at a point i can feel joy in my heart, i can smile while i am at home watching a film, yes, there area and will be days when i wake up, i still look to the side, i still remember happier days...there are moments feel lost, that i wish i had a different path in life....but my path in life is was not that one....

i keep my promises, i light a candle every day for Anna, i pray for her, my deal with God over her unborn child still stands, God must be tired of listen to me, always asking the same, i dont ask anything for me, i just ask for my two special persons...why? why i do this if i keep walking?? i dont know, there are many things i cannot say why, i just do what i feel its right for me, what is honest for me....

while i walk my path, i am not bitter, i am not angry, i am not lost, i am like a person who is on a journey, there is good days, there is beauty, there is sadness, there is pain, there is moments where you think, why????there is hope, there is joy, its a journey...

maybe i am reaching a state where i am more peace with the fact i am not the person in Anna life i consider, expect and wanted, she have some one else, she living a different life, maybe i was not as important in Anna life has i think, maybe in the bigger picture of her life, i am just a small footnote, not the important chapter that i was thinking i was, maybe i am learning to deal better with this...

if some one read my blog from the first page will see a journey of two years, in fact they will maybe see a journey of more them that, of almost 10 years, of pain, of hope, and even now, even with all of this, there is not bitterness in my heart.....

i walk, and like walking is a slow process, it takes time, when you walk a lot, you do it slow, and this is like my life is...a slow walk, its not a nice walk in the end of a summer day, no, its a walk in the rain, its a walk in the cold, in the dark, were your legs hurt, you dont see the end, its process that you must believe in the future, even when you have no reason to believe in the future, its like a walk that requires you to have faith and determination, to face all your demons and fears, and never stop, never walk back, never look back, this is not a easy walk, its a long walk, but is a walk i do, that i will not stop, that i am strong to do...and i need to keep telling myself, this is a process that will be long...will take lots of time....where i am walking to???? what is my destination??? is forgetting? peace of mind? a new love? i dont know, i trully dont know, i am afraid to ask even today some questions to myself even today....what do i feel??? trully feel???....

its like am back in the santiago trail...you start a day and walk, you dont know where to stop, while i walk this path, i didnt had a agenda, or place to stop, i stop when i couldnt walk more.....or when i found a place i felt that i like, that it felt i need to stop there...but i know, i will reach my destination, so this is my path now...to keep on walking...to move away....i dont know what will be my future, but will always embrace my past!!!!

punch in the stomach by life....

its like you can see the future, you can see the way things will happen, you wish, you pray, you ask god for a different thing, but yet life shows that you are right....i never want so much to be wrong in my life....never in my life i want to so wrong like now....but now...i was right....

i starting typing post while i was still my office....this post is now on more them 7 tries, i delete and write it several times, i start in the office...the office keyboard was covered in blood, i had blood on my desk, my hands are full of cuts, the garage wall is full of blood of the punches i gave in the wall....for a few minutes i was totaly lost... i couldnt write..went to garage...its a big empty space....and i punch the wall...why???  to try to be alive...to avoid screaming...to avoid crying....this 5 minutes of my life will stay for me for ever...i hit yesterday rock button....you think you are on the way up, that life is better...and its true, you are better, you are on the way up... until you get a punch in stomach...until you see the full pain of life in your eyes...today i saw the end of life....i will write this post...and i dont know if will carry on...i dont know if i will write any more.....26 of march is a day i will not forget....i dont write good, i cannot even express what i feel...and i am suprised...i am chocked...why still now..why after so much time i still am so emotional about this??? why this still gets to me...why??? i dont understand, its not racional, i should be able not to be mad, not to feel it, and yet, i still do, it still gets to me, why can i not move away from this love??? sometimes i think i am fine..i am so fine, life goes on, i laugh, i am happy, i dont think so much about Anna, i feel i walking the right path...that i am ok...and them...bammmmmmgggggggggggggg!!!!!

today the cuts in my hands are better, but there is still cuts...still some big cuts...what happen....its not even easy to write...my mind, my heart...they are still bleeding...i went for lunch with some colleagues...it was a nice day..it was sunny...i was in a good mood...i return and i have a mail from Anna...my heart start beating fast...and i start reading....Anna tells me she is is expecting a child, and that this child is supposed to be born by june...this means this child is now around six months!!! six month????i cannot even express the pain...it like life decide to take me aside and break my spine....its the suprise...the shock...i was not ready....not even close...i had a blank...my brain is dead...i start thinking..why??? why???????? i cannot express all the things that pass my head...way she is telling me this??? she gives her new address, she lives now less them 200 meters from me...but this i knew already....i already had found out...but expecting a child....she is with this guy from september...and she is expecting already a child??? hope she didnt rush things, that she give herself time...no...in 2003 i was a coward, and i saw Anna getting a child....can you imagine see the women you love getting pregnant?? can you imagine see her every day??? every time you see her, you hurt, you lose all hope?? in 2003 i keep saying...dont thinking about it...but every time you see her...you cannot stop thinking, this you keep thinking...this should have been my child....i would be the one kissing you before going to sleep...can you imagine try to smile?? pretend that you are ok??? pretend to this person, the person you love that you are fine...she didnt understood i was chasing other girls, what else could i do? i pretend, but its was a scam, it was false, every day at home i couldnt sleep...can you life with the idea that the person you love is having a child from another guy??? its pure hell....i kill my calves from running in 2003...but that was my fault...i didnt say nothing...i was a coward...i didnt fight for my love...now its different, i move her for her, she knew about my love for her, she knew i would do anything for her...but she decide to ask me to leave her life...so this time is even harder...this should have been my child...and another big thing...why i keep feeling like this??? not even i can understand...

having a child with Anna was my dream, it was something i dream about, i bought a little book with names for childs in her country, so we could spend a nice evening deciding the name of our child, this was a think i wish so much, it will never will happen, and its one of the sadest things in my life, this is a thing will hunted me for the rest of my life....

I will not be the one kissing her belly, making her smile every day, putting her mind at ease, cooking her favourite food, giving her feet massages, read book for the child in her belly, passing my hand in her hair while she read, i will not be the one saying you are so beautiful, i will not be the one spending time thinking of names, getting the expectation and excitement of find if its a boy or girl...i will not be the one in the moment were this child will be born, i will not be there with her, to give her strength, i will not be a father... i will not be the one waking up at night and say, sleep my love, i will take care of this, i will not be there for them when they are sick...i will not be the one see this child give her first steps...no...it will not be me....it will be some one else....and this makes me mad, makes feel life is totaly unfair...and time can come and go..but my feelings seens never to go away....why i cannot free myself from this love???

maybe she is living a happy life, were i have no place, maybe she is so happy, there is nothing more that i want that her happiness, i have no anger, or resentment, or any bad feelings, for me this is still hard to hear, its still a punch in the stomach, i am still in my heart Anna friend, i would still die for her, she is still the women of my life, no, she may not be in my life, no, she will not think of me, but i keep thinking of her, life is a very strange journey, a path that you must follow is the one were you are honest with yourself, i am dont let others guide me, i dont let others decide my action, i follow what i believe, what i think its my path, is it easy? simple? no, its hard, its painful, but this is my path, and this is my decision..i am honest with myself, it my heart will feel, maybe one day i feel different, maybe one day i will not be like this...but i cannot see the future...i can on see what i feel....

i know Anna is worried...i know that she is not having a easy pregnancy, Anna is suffering a lots of health problens, she having a child is not easy, i know for moments she she was scared...and i was thinking...if in the universe sort of need of "balance"...if there is to have a balance, if this child was not suppose to be born, them i can offer a different soluction, i went to church, it almost easter, and i made a deal with God, if there is life that needs to be taken, them He can take mine... the church was totaly empty, it just me, and i hope God, i seat, i was there for an hour, totaly alone, me and God, and i told God, if there is a need to take a life, take mine...i made this promise....yes..its done, one lfe for one life...even today...for a child from another guy...from a person who doesnt care about me...i would trade my life for this unborn child...why??? i dont expect people to understand, i dont expect my friends to understand, that my family would understand, but i understand, i live with i think its what i should do, not what other people think, i have to be honest with myself...with what i thing its right...with what i believe....i would trade my life for this child, this is how i much i care for Anna....there is no grey areas where...how much i care for her?....too much...i dont have any issues with self esteem, no, i do have self respect...i just think today people invented this to issues be able to be selfish, to think only about them...and not feel bad about themselfs...i hear so many times...i have my pride...i have respect for me?!!! do you????? or this is just an excuse to take the easy way out, to not fight, or you are just a bloody coward that is afraid to love, to forgive, to learn, to give a second chance, to see what is trully important, to to know the what is real love...i think this is something that people lost in our modern society, what is true love...and how much true love is important..

how i stand now??? Anna is now starting a new family, a new life, did i need to know? i was better not knowing? i dont know...i only know that now i am back to a bad feel...i am back walking in hell...i just know what i felt when i was reading the mail.....i know the feeling...of being ripped apart... but there is nothing i can do...i hit lowest point, so now i can only improve, this is the only thing i can say...there is nothing more to hit me...i already lost everything, so now there is nothing more to lose...so now its time to move up....i hope that she will be happy, that life will smile to her every day, there is nothing more pure in this planet, that my hope that everything good will come to Anna...

i could have not replied to the mail, i could say go to hell, i could have done a lot of things, but once more, it would not be honest with me...i will reply to mail, i will be honest, i was always honest with Anna and i am not going to stop now...i will reply...but now everything is still to fresh to close...i need time to think....yesterday i run in the cold night for 3 hours...today i run another 4 hours..i limped home...i am so tired that my legs are shacking...my body is shaking...i feel sick...i vomit already 3 times..have nothing left in the tank...i gave everything..but i am more at peace now...i am more relaxed, i dont know if pain and exhaustion of the exercise...but i am more at peace...maybe one day i can look back at this stage of my life and dont feel the pain...now its not possible....

what i do now? move house, change jobs??? no...i will not do that, i will stay here, i will continue to work here until the end of the year...them i see...i can sign another 2 year contract...or leave...i dont know...there is a strange tranquility settling in, its the fact i lost everything, now i am at some how peace...

One of my friends told recently that life always rewards the good people, the good actions...i live believing in that...its easter now...i have the feeling that i am also nailed to cross..i have the feeling doesnt matter how good i am, what i do for others, life will not help me...but i will not stop helping i will not stop being  good...this is all i have got now...no...there is no happy end for me....if this was a film...there would be miracle...i would be with Anna for the rest of my life..even with that child...wouldnt make any difference for me...but that is the films...in reality, Anna will have a new child...she will see this child grow with another man...will grow older without me...i will not see her when i return home...now i have to continue my walk, without looking back....i will keep my journey away from the thing i want more, i will keep walking towards the indiference...toward obliviance....

Now its like i reach the top of my pain, its like i reach the summit, now i have look pain in the eyes, and its like pain has no more cards, pain played all its cards, but i am still here, i am still standing, i am not defected, i am not broken, now its my turn, now its my turn to start playing my cards, now i am start my path away from pain,  i will keep walking away...i will every day walk on my path, i will walk every day another step away from Anna...this is the only thing to do, maybe my heart will turn cold....i maybe will be what i was before...a sort of cyborg...a person with no feeling...i hope i dont turn into a bad person, in a person who doesnt believe in love any more, in a cold cynical person, i will keep walking, i will keep being honest, no...there is no happy end for me....but there is not stop to this  fighting....pain, misery, you lost!!! you played all your cards...you kicked, you punch, you covered me with tears, with blood, and i am still standing!!!i am still alive, i am still good, i am still here...no..no...i will never quit, i will never will be defect....push down i was, but i rise, and i am not broken!!!!! life goes on!!!! the fight is not over, the fight goes on!!! i will see the sun!!!!

listen....

do you listen? do you really listen to what the person who you should care more them anything in the world say?? 99.9% will say...of course i listen....do you??? do you really???

i did say the same, i trully think i was listen, until i realise, i didnt really listen....i didnt understand what was the message behind the words, i can say, hey i am a man, i dont understand, i expect things to be clear....but you are dealing with??? with your friends, with the guys from the gym? nooooo, you are listen to the person who is everything to you, you should pay attention....you should listen....

Anna said a few times...i dont expect any proposal from you...we were together for about 4 months...i didnt listen, i was thinking....she is saying i should move not fast....in fact was the opposite...that i should start thinking if i was ready to get married....didnt i listen when she said i would like to have a baby...i was thinking...its not the right time...she just move in a new job...new country...we had a new place....let wait...how much different would have been my life??? how much better would have been my life??? even today i get feeling of lost of desperation that i cannot express...i didnt listen...i didnt pay attention,...and i was afraid...how stupid can you be??? i can say now i would have done things so different...but now its to late...now its not possible....

do you listen, trully listen, to the little things??? do you pay attention to the women you love?? i am tired...i had a bad day at the office...you say..i do..i say...what happen...seat here...but there is another part...you are tired my love? let me cook a nice dinner...while you get a relaxing bath...let me get you tea...bad day at the office...let go out the next weekend, let have  nice weekend outside the city to relax to be recharge your batteries...this is listen, this is being there for the women you love...this is what is being a partner....its not just being at home, is making your other half feel loved, feel secured, feel appreciated....no...i didnt do all of this...and my love was honest...i was not the perfect the man for Anna, i learn with losing, i hope that most people dont have to lose to improve...that is way i keep this blog alive, to show to people not every one is a asshole...that are people like me, who lost, you improve, who change, who can bring all the love in their hearts for you....

listen to words, but listen more them the words, listen to message, listen to what is in the heart of your loved one, of the person you care more them everything...and yes you can listen and still do nothing, you can still think about you first, you can still have your own agenda first...but them you dont trully love this person, you still dont understand the meaning of true love, i have the impression most people in this planet will never know the meaning of true love, what means to have a true and absolute love, you need to walk in hell to see what heaven looks like, you need to be burn alive to feel the nice touch of love, must of us will never love enough to walk in hell, so at the first stages of problems...of pain...they will quit...they will move on...and think that love is cheap...no...love is everything...but you need to love to trully know this...

so please, listen, trully listen, see what it means...and if you are not sure...try to understand...ask a indirect question, try to see what is the real mean of what your love is saying...in my case i should have ask...i dont expect a proposal from you...i should said...my love, i love more them anything in this planet, tell me what is important for you, what you trully want??? yes, this may lead to a marriage proposal...but my heart was right, my love was pure, i would have been ready to marry Anna, why i didnt?? not because i didnt love her...because i was wrong about the priorities of my life...this would not happen again...never...

please...life doesnt give you many chances to be happy...so dont waste your time in people that are not worth while, and give everything to the ones you love....
 

Me...

Me, who am i???? what defines me as person? its my job? its the money i have? its the values i have? what I stands for? what i am willing to die for? to kill for??

who am I??? is my name vicent de havilland? no, this name is my blog name, its not my real name, its just a name i use, its a combination of uncle of mine which was a very interesting person and who fascinate my youth with his stories and a company who use to build planes....

I like planes, i build so many little kit planes when i was a kid, about i was fascinate by planes, i study them , made them i draw them, and this name was something i like..de haviland...so the name stick with me...why i dont use my real name??? to protect Anna, so she keeps living her life...so people one day will not go and ask questions, to protect her child....that why i never make specific and real indications...

yes, the little snow man on the photo.. i made it, in one of my travels, i am not the best snow man builder!!! my country doesnt have a lot of snow, almost none....so i dont have a lot of experience...

who is the real me? some of the people who work with me,they think they know me, some of my friends think they know me, they both are right and wrong..they know parts of me, the person who knew better was Anna, but today even her doesnt know me totaly...

people who work with me think i am mad person, loud, funny, mad person, they think i am a womanizer, who is telling stories, maybe i am guilty of giving the wrong impression, sometimes is so much more easy to pretend, because the true you may scare people, may lead to people to think that you are snob,a shadow from the past, crazy, stupid  no one believes in true gentlemen, how its possilbe? every one have an agenda...maybe not...when i tell my stories sometimes they will think i am inventing then, but like a friend once told me, just tell the truth and if no one believe you, they will be surprised one day to find out, after all it was real...it was true...like he say blind them with truth, its so strange way people dont believe what you tell them simply because they live different lives, i did things, i saw things that most people whould not do, will not see, i tell them,  if they dont believe it i dont mind...sometimes its hard to believe for a lot of people that you may have a live a life that is not common...that some things happen...in the end yes i did and lived and see things that most people never even imagine...and i dont regret nothing i did...

i am person who trains martial arts, who trains self defense, for years, i lived in asia for 9 years, i learn martial arts in there, not a sport, no, martial arts, its very different, i train self defense,  i did fight a few times in my life, as a last resort, not to attack, never, just to defend, just when its the last option, i am not a bully, i am not arrogant, i am not looking for fight..i always tell...fight is always the last option...walk away...but i will fight for what i believe, that is better to die for what you believe them them go home and life with the fact that you let something that shouldnt happen, happen....maybe my colleagues know about this...they create one dimension side of me, maybe i also help to create  this picture...others who know only from offical work, from seminars and meetings....see the guy who does great presentations, who can talk in public, professional, soft spoken, this people, who know me from meetings and dont know me, think they know me...that i am quiet and soft spoken person....my friends, know my dedication to my sport, the sport i do since i am 13, that took me to nice places across the planet, that made me reach and meet so many people...that is challenging, that is some times dangerous, that involves the sea, they know that i dont go out a lot, that i not a big spender of cash, that i was a good student, that i stick with my family, that i am not buying all the latest tech things, they also know that they can count with me, that i mental about fitness, that i never quit, even when its better to quit, even when you know the end result, even when you know that I will lose...i dont quit...that i am stuburn...some think i am arrogant, that i have to much self confidance...one dimension....must people just see one dimension of me...

people who know me from the gym see my almost mental dedication to fitness, i am in the gym every day before 07.00, i push hard, people in there think i am mad sport person, i was asked several times what i do for living,am i a professional sportsman?? i am in the army??? police??? no, i am guy who works in an office for a international organization, i develop documents and evaluate techinal documents...they are always surprised, and i can talk more them basic stuff, more them exercises, more them training routines, i am not thinking only about fitness,i am not a gym rat, i read books, i watch films that people in the gym dont even expect, that they not even know that exist...its not about being just one dimension....

people who see my driving my station wagon...think family guy, with kids and maybe a dog...no...not even close....we  all thinking we see the others and know who they are, what they do, what person are they....some think i am happy, a always happy person....this is not true, i am optimist person, i am someone who is always thinking that something good will happen to me, happy???? no....family man...i wish...

we all make the mistake of thinking we know the others well, that we know who they are....but almost no one see the full picture, must people who know me, they dont  see my inner me, the values i defend, the person i have become after losing Anna, the level of love i have...i dont know if "have" is the right word...i cannot say  for sure "had"....i am not sure about have were i stand towards love...i truly not...

most people i know did not understood why i was in government job, not well paid, when i could have a much better paid job, with experience i have, why i didnt want to be "more", why? why not get more money?? but work, money...its not this that define, my job is not the most important thing for me, why? because i care more about having time, have a life outside my office, have time to share with some one i love, this is more important them money, i was in very well paid jobs, in very bad paid jobs...and my life doesnt change, my days, my weeks are not very different, i focus on the life after work, i think its more important to have time for the ones you love, to have time to do things, to be there for the important people in your life, life is not about your professional title, is not about your money, its not about your getting power, life is about being generous, its about being respectful, its about living for others, not only for you...this is me...

taking risks, not be afraid of put your word to the test, to say love is the most important thing we have in life, to risk everything for love, to being able to leave everything behind for love, to risk my life, to go a foreign country, to go to places that taxi drives wouldnt go, to be told i was going to be killed 3 times, to go on the darkest corners of a city in asia, to see the most dark sides of human nature, to look for some i care, to put this person in front of everything, to see the worse of human kind, all for love, for a person who would tell me after a flight of 20 hours,in a airport in 1996, i have a new boyfriend...to be able to rebuild my life, to love like i never expect to love again, have the possibility to meet and love Anna, to have meet and lose the most amazing person in this world, to be touch by joy and pain, to be willing to die even today for Anna, even after she doesnt give a damn about me, even after she cut me from her life, who doesnt care about me, to live life love with passion, with almost madness, that is me...

to go home, to cook for myself, to be able to enjoy being alone at my home, drink my tea, watching a stupid film in the tv, to go and have my ice cream in the park, to read a book outside,all by my self to ride my bike to work in the snow, to be able to resist losing a very close member of my family, my grandfather and being there for my family, even when there was moments i just want to cry, i hold it, i keep holding my mother, my brother, i keep telling them be  strong, cherry the person in your heart, he will live for ever with us, to there for them, to put a show, to be strong, even if you were not, but some one as to hold it, this is me...

to have one word, to not to cheat, to respect, to be there, to persistence, never to quit, even when maybe quiting is the best way, the only choice...to still think tomorrow will be better them today, that even if i dont understand my path in life, even if i am walking still some days in hell, that one day the sun will shine, that love will be there for me, not to be afraid of being alone, to be good just with me, just being alone and happy, to think age is just number, that life is a joy, that life is to be enjoyed, that life should be good, sometimes not easy...but good, that we never should stop fighting for what we believe...this is me.. 

being responsible, i am being taken responsability in my life since early age, for my brother, he is younger, them later for my family, for me, for others, to do the right thing, to live with honor and respect, that its me...

to love one person, to love only one person, to fully dedicate to this person, to believe what this person told me, to believe that people actions and their hearts are the same of the promises they make..maybe this is the biggest disapoimtment of my life, i think others are like me, because i will never say and promise things i will not do, which i will not respect...if i say i do...i will do...i dont care what it "cost", what is the "price" to pay, this is me...

and people my think...woowww...you are so "nice", why you are alone?? you are just blowing your own trumpet hey..its the net, this guy can say whatever he wants...no one is like that...like i said before, sometimes just say the truth, i dont care if people believe of not, there is nothing i say in here that is not real, that is not truth...

i change, i am a different person , i am a better person, i dont judge people, i dont label people, i think for example that what defines a person is the values, the love, the caring, not the job tittle, not its passport, not its sexual orientation, not is bank account, this is me...

maybe i am alone because everything i say here, i am being fully honest, i life with my code, with what i think its right, and yes, its not easy to fit in this world,  this is me...i am like this...i have no one in my life, but my heart is still not fully free, and my stupid heart as one one place, for only one person, you can ask, how you can be stil not be free??? she doesnt care about you, i know this, i she kick you out of her life, i know this, and my heart is still not yet fully free...maybe i will never be...for a person which i found very recently did some thing i think is not correct, that there is no respect... but my heart still is not free, i know myself, it will take years and years, and until this is not solved i am not able to move forward with love...i am not interested in one day stands, i am not interested in chasing girls with lies for a good time...so i am stay alone...you can say..to be stupidy....but this is also me....

but i was not always like this, i was far from being tolerant, i was not right, i think kid eduction was like army drill, that a meal would be a test of wills, where you wouldnt fail, that life was made of rules, of routines, where there was a "me" agenda, yes i was like many others, selfish, self centered, i am my own agenda, i didnt learn to adpated, i always think i was right, that i was always right, that you dont need to show your feelings, dontt need to tell the person you love, how much you love her, and that all the nice things, the little things...its for movies...i wouldnt change a day of my sport to be with Anna...i need to lose love,i need to lose the two must important persons in my life to change, i need to be kick in teeth by life, my heart still bleeds when i think i could had everything i want, and i didnt even realise it, that it was there under my eyes...i need to lose to understand what is really important in life...but life changed me...i improved as human, as man, the only thing is life is not like the movies...in the movies in a twist by end the nice guy always get the girl, life is not like that, this is reality and it will never happen!

i loved Anna without hope, with hope, with all my heart, i love with a blind and mad way, and yet i will not get her back, no life is not like the movies, there will no happy end for me...i will not be with Anna, i will not share her life any more...but should i stop being me??? i cannot....i cannot, i am me, when you see some, try to see the entire person, dont judge this person on what you see in that moment or in a fuction, maybe there is a lot more in that person, we are not all one dimension, i have so many dimesions, and its all of them that make me, me....

so you am i? i am person you goes to church, who prays and lights a candle for a person who doesnt care about him, who helps others, so will fight for others, who is honest, passion, but i am also person who teach others how defend thenselfs by hurting another fellow human, i am a person you will find full of life, who will never forgets his friends, i am person who is not afraid of death, but wants to life, i am person who reads Nietzsche, but which sees crap action films, i talk about zen as much as how to break an arm, i travel, i see others i think life is a long and unknown path, i am person who thinks life is important, that love is rare and only one, that you should never stop figthing for what you believe, that there is only one person in my heart, and i rather life alone for the rest of my life them being a asshole who cheats...

so who am I?...me? not easy to say...what is the best way to say something about me...you can say...that is the guy who truly love Anna!!!